Saturday, November 29, 2003

It's Showtime!

"And now for the fun part," I said sardonically.

Dr. Julian replied, "I know you're kidding. In my 25 years as an OB/GYN doctor, I only met one woman who really, REALLY liked it."

"I was a first year resident at a clinic in a teaching hospital when I was asked to perform an examination on this particular young woman. In fact, she consented to have herself examined on a table in front of a dozen students."

He went on to relate how five of them lined up single file behind a curtained-off area to poke, press, and squeeze this woman's anatomy. After the fifth medical student completed his examination, the woman had a broad smile on her face when she said, "One more time, and you're gonna ring my bell!"

There was a collective gasp. Understandably, no one volunteered for that "one more time".

posted by La Cabeza Grande @ 9:36 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Bustin' Loose

Gobble, gobble, click.
Open mouth, insert foodstuff -
With buttons bursting.

posted by La Cabeza Grande @ 7:39 AM 0 comments

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Hygienically Speaking

I went for my semi-annual teeth cleaning today. Naturally, as the dental hygienist scrapes and pokes, dislogding the plaque missed by my religious flossing, little pools of spittle begin to form around the base of my tongue.

What to do? There's no good way to swallow when there are pointed metal instruments roaming freely about. My hygienist reaches over and grabs a tube emitting a sucking sound.

"Just wrap your lips around Mr. Thirsty," she chirped.

"Oh, you mean the spit vacuum?"

"Yup. That's Mr. Thirsty."

posted by La Cabeza Grande @ 11:56 AM 0 comments

Saturday, November 22, 2003

The Daily Doggerel

With all this sh*t rumbling round in my head,
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead.
Don't worry, good friends. No cause for alarm.
I will not bring this old girl to harm.

Politics. Outright lies. Backstabbing, too.
Feel the tears coming on and head for the loo.
I do not belong. Can't seem to fit in.
My time's running out. My skin's awfully thin.

posted by La Cabeza Grande @ 4:08 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Chicago's Panhandlers Clean Up?

When I heard this story this morning, I thought "Great. The little guy finally get's a break." Then I heard the rest of the story.

Here's the wind-up:

" A judge awards nearly a half-million dollars to 3,000 homeless people, saying they had been subjected to false arrest and harrassment."

Now, the pitch:

"The plaintiffs will split $99,000 among themselves, while the lawyers get $375,000 for representing them in court."

You know what I say: sometimes you can't win for losing -- to the lawyers!

posted by La Cabeza Grande @ 11:11 AM 0 comments

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

The Mind's Eye

What it says:





What I see:





Hmm. These eyes are playing tricks on me!

posted by La Cabeza Grande @ 11:50 AM 0 comments

Monday, November 10, 2003

The Big Stink

Most reasonable people have an understanding of the etiquette surrounding the gaseous by-product of the consumption / waste cycle. I mean, there are rules:

1. No air time - If you're in the WC and nature calls, flush repeatedly.
2. Escapees - It happens. Move quickly and quietly away, taking the stink with you.
3. The Foghorn - Blush. Apologize. Move on.

Apparently, a Swedish banking employee threw caution to the winds and disregarded these rules. It ended up costing the employer $100,000 and resulting in an outright ban on farting - accidental or otherwise.

Political correctness is one thing, but how the hell is your employer going to prevent your body from doing what comes naturally?

posted by La Cabeza Grande @ 11:53 AM 0 comments